This is What The World is For

Zelda/Portal night.
God, I love 4 day weekends. C:

As the Flashbulbs Burst, She Holds a Smile Like Someone Would Hold A Crying Child.

Strength.
One of the biggest things I need right now.
Support.
Something I can't get through the day without.
Hope.
What keeps me from completely giving up.
Faith.
Gets me through when I just can't seem to find the way out.

At this moment in time, I'm okay.
Well, as okay as I can be under the circumstances.
I'm okay compared to how I have been.
So, I'm going to write this blog. This is going to be a happy, upbeat blog. Kind of like the music I have playing right now. And for goodness sake, I'm going to smile while I type this silly thing. Just because I deserve to, dang it.

Let's begin with Strength.
I'm gaining it. Finally.  I still get triggered by little things (hence, why I no longer have a Facebook), but I'm upset for shorter spans of time. I'm going to take this as a sign that things are getting better. I'm gaining the strength to push through these times, and the times when I don't feel like I have enough strength I rely on...

Faith.
Recently, I find myself looking to God a lot more often. Because honestly, sometimes I just don't know what the heck to do. There's been many a times I just look up and say "I'm done. I'm giving up, it's your turn, because I don't know what else to do." I find comfort in knowing that someone is there, even at 3am when I wake up crying, someone's there. This gives me...

Hope.
I know it's not going to hurt forever. I know things will get better, I just have to get through this. I hope for the best. I keep being told that God has a plan for me, so I just have to wait it out. Take the good with the bad. Things are going to get better, maybe not tomorrow, or even next week, but something good's going to happen. I just have to keep my head up until it does. And through all of this I've had people giving me...

Support.
I can't be thankful enough for the few wonderful friends and my family that have gotten me this far. Elana's the only one who reads this darn thing, so I'll write her a little love note and just leave it here for her to see.

 Elana:
Honestly, I don't know how I would have gotten through the past few years without you. You've been there for me through everything. I can only hope I've been as good of a friend to you as you've been to me. You're the person I can tell absolutely everything to and know it won't end up in someone else's ears. Even though I can be moody and extremely difficult to deal with, you've stuck by me. Through all the heartache and issues I've brought to you. You deserve a medal. <3

Let's hope this good mood continues through the next week, Lord knows I'm going to need it.

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I  just don't think it's fair that he get to keep all of his friends, plus my friends. It's not fair that I'm the one hurting and he gets off with nothing. It's not fair that I try as hard as I can to make things work, and I end up getting screwed over. It's just not fucking fair.

I'm having an identity crisis. Or at least, that's what I'm going to call it.

I feel like I need to be someone else for people to like me. I've never been the center of anything. Not saying that I constantly need to be the center of attention ALL THE TIME, just not feeling like I have to constantly strive to be noticed would suffice. I've always been that weird girl on the sidelines that everyone just kind of keeps around because she's a "package deal" with someone else.

I constantly feel inferior. To everyone. And that's because I feel like everyone has something they're good at. Elana's a champ at baking and singing, Marissa's the social butterfly and also an amazing singer... I have nothing. I mean, I do a little bit of photography, but who doesn't anymore? It just seems like a b.s. thing to be good at. I need something that's my own, but I have no skills that I know of. I'll never know if I have the skills because I'm too afraid to go out and DO things because I'll look like an idiot.

I want to be more creative.


---------------Two week break in writing----------------

This has been saved in my drafts for a while. I guess I'll just continue it.

I'm hurting pretty bad right now.

I guess the break-up is just now hitting me or something. I really don't know.

I just feel alone. And I'm probably going to have to replace my keyboard because of water damage.

Through this whole thing, I've been pushing it away and pretending that I'm okay. The fact that someone who is supposed to be a good friend of mine has not been there for me at all through this, but instead has been making things worse. I don't know if it's on purpose or not, but good lord it's cutting deep.

I don't know why I need to know about all the plans and conversations that have been going on between them. None of which I've been a part of. I don't understand why I haven't been asked "How are you holding up." instead of being told how worse off he is. Maybe I'm selfish, but that wouldn't be anything new.

I just need someone right now, I guess.

We're All Wasted. Every Last One Of Us.

11:11 November 11, 2011.

Why do we wish?

I think we wish because we want something that we can't have, maybe that's a car, or a toy for a child, or for our secret crush to finally notice us, to be pretty enough, or good enough, etc. etc. etc. For others it might be something different, like for everything to turn out okay, for a loved one battling sickness who was diagnosed to have 2 weeks to live to somehow pull through. What do all of these have in common?

Happiness. All of these things would bring us happiness in some way, shape, or form. But only temporary happiness. A man would be happy with his new sports car until he sees a new model that he likes more. The child would be content with the toy until she sees a commercial for something else. A teen happy with their crush until the new boy enrolls in school. Nobody wishes to be unhappy.

Who are we wishing to? Where are these selfish little prayers going? Who fulfills these desires that we have?

Let's go back to "selfish little prayers."

That's what wishes are. Selfish little prayers. Something that we want to make ourselves happy. Even if we're wishing for something for someone else, if that wish were to come true, it would make us happy.

We wish for hope. We hope that everything will turn out okay. We hope for happiness.

Rescue Me From Everything

So, Giant called me today. I have an interview tomorrow at 3:30. 6 months of job searching has payed off. WHEEEEE.

On another note, I really want to do something with Photography career wise. It's something I enjoy doing, and it's somewhat of a therapy for me. Going out with my camera and capturing the beauty in everyday things. Yeah, that would be the ideal.

But unless I become a baw$$, that's not going to happen. (Even though I'm pretty much acing the photog class I'm taking right now.)

I'm probably going to go into a technical school for graphic design, and take photography classes at HACC. I'll be taking web design classes as a senior.

In other news, I like kittens.

That is all.

Self Exploration Through a Blog

This summer I realized exactly how much I have grown as a person from Freshman and Sophomore year. I've definitely learned who my friends are, and that you can't trust just anyone. Not only with your secrets, but also with your heart.

For being only 16, I've endured a lot of heartache. I'm not just talking relationships, but also family. Tonight was the first time in 2-3 months I have spoken to my father. I haven't seen him since March-April. Ever since I was little, I had always looked up to my dad. He was the one person who I felt would always be there for me. When I reached my teenage years, that came to a screeching halt. We drifted apart, and it's to the point now where he's just an inconvenience. I feel absolutely terrible saying that, but he would rather spend his nights drinking and playing video games then actually try to fix his relationship with his only daughter. That hurts.

My mother and I have never gotten along. But, that's just not even worth discussing at this point.

As far as relationships go, I'm currently in a stable one for the first time in my life. His family likes me, my mother doesn't seem to mind him, and things are good. I couldn't be more thankful for that. But I haven't always been this lucky. I can say in all but one or two relationships, the boyfriend has been unfaithful to me, and that's definitely taken a toll on my self esteem. I'm still getting over all of it, but I've made a lot of progress.    

I'm just going to go out and say it:
I'm so freaking over high school.

I'm ready to go out on my own and make my own decisions. I'm ready to move on to whatever lies beyond this.

But most of it is the people.

I can't count how many times a day I think to myself  "You're a sophomore/junior/senior. Act like it." And most of it is just stupid things. I'm over the Facebook fights. I'm over the petty little statuses by people who get Facebook muscles, I'm over the "he said, she said" b.s.

But I digress.

Elana will be glad to hear this, but I'm starting to have more faith in the Christian religion. I find myself praying a lot more than I used to.

My "New School Year Resolution" is pretty much that I just want to better myself as a person. I want to figure out where I stand on things, and how to stand on my own. I want to get a better understanding of who I am and where I belong in this world.