I'm having an identity crisis. Or at least, that's what I'm going to call it.

I feel like I need to be someone else for people to like me. I've never been the center of anything. Not saying that I constantly need to be the center of attention ALL THE TIME, just not feeling like I have to constantly strive to be noticed would suffice. I've always been that weird girl on the sidelines that everyone just kind of keeps around because she's a "package deal" with someone else.

I constantly feel inferior. To everyone. And that's because I feel like everyone has something they're good at. Elana's a champ at baking and singing, Marissa's the social butterfly and also an amazing singer... I have nothing. I mean, I do a little bit of photography, but who doesn't anymore? It just seems like a b.s. thing to be good at. I need something that's my own, but I have no skills that I know of. I'll never know if I have the skills because I'm too afraid to go out and DO things because I'll look like an idiot.

I want to be more creative.


---------------Two week break in writing----------------

This has been saved in my drafts for a while. I guess I'll just continue it.

I'm hurting pretty bad right now.

I guess the break-up is just now hitting me or something. I really don't know.

I just feel alone. And I'm probably going to have to replace my keyboard because of water damage.

Through this whole thing, I've been pushing it away and pretending that I'm okay. The fact that someone who is supposed to be a good friend of mine has not been there for me at all through this, but instead has been making things worse. I don't know if it's on purpose or not, but good lord it's cutting deep.

I don't know why I need to know about all the plans and conversations that have been going on between them. None of which I've been a part of. I don't understand why I haven't been asked "How are you holding up." instead of being told how worse off he is. Maybe I'm selfish, but that wouldn't be anything new.

I just need someone right now, I guess.

We're All Wasted. Every Last One Of Us.

11:11 November 11, 2011.

Why do we wish?

I think we wish because we want something that we can't have, maybe that's a car, or a toy for a child, or for our secret crush to finally notice us, to be pretty enough, or good enough, etc. etc. etc. For others it might be something different, like for everything to turn out okay, for a loved one battling sickness who was diagnosed to have 2 weeks to live to somehow pull through. What do all of these have in common?

Happiness. All of these things would bring us happiness in some way, shape, or form. But only temporary happiness. A man would be happy with his new sports car until he sees a new model that he likes more. The child would be content with the toy until she sees a commercial for something else. A teen happy with their crush until the new boy enrolls in school. Nobody wishes to be unhappy.

Who are we wishing to? Where are these selfish little prayers going? Who fulfills these desires that we have?

Let's go back to "selfish little prayers."

That's what wishes are. Selfish little prayers. Something that we want to make ourselves happy. Even if we're wishing for something for someone else, if that wish were to come true, it would make us happy.

We wish for hope. We hope that everything will turn out okay. We hope for happiness.

Rescue Me From Everything

So, Giant called me today. I have an interview tomorrow at 3:30. 6 months of job searching has payed off. WHEEEEE.

On another note, I really want to do something with Photography career wise. It's something I enjoy doing, and it's somewhat of a therapy for me. Going out with my camera and capturing the beauty in everyday things. Yeah, that would be the ideal.

But unless I become a baw$$, that's not going to happen. (Even though I'm pretty much acing the photog class I'm taking right now.)

I'm probably going to go into a technical school for graphic design, and take photography classes at HACC. I'll be taking web design classes as a senior.

In other news, I like kittens.

That is all.

Self Exploration Through a Blog

This summer I realized exactly how much I have grown as a person from Freshman and Sophomore year. I've definitely learned who my friends are, and that you can't trust just anyone. Not only with your secrets, but also with your heart.

For being only 16, I've endured a lot of heartache. I'm not just talking relationships, but also family. Tonight was the first time in 2-3 months I have spoken to my father. I haven't seen him since March-April. Ever since I was little, I had always looked up to my dad. He was the one person who I felt would always be there for me. When I reached my teenage years, that came to a screeching halt. We drifted apart, and it's to the point now where he's just an inconvenience. I feel absolutely terrible saying that, but he would rather spend his nights drinking and playing video games then actually try to fix his relationship with his only daughter. That hurts.

My mother and I have never gotten along. But, that's just not even worth discussing at this point.

As far as relationships go, I'm currently in a stable one for the first time in my life. His family likes me, my mother doesn't seem to mind him, and things are good. I couldn't be more thankful for that. But I haven't always been this lucky. I can say in all but one or two relationships, the boyfriend has been unfaithful to me, and that's definitely taken a toll on my self esteem. I'm still getting over all of it, but I've made a lot of progress.    

I'm just going to go out and say it:
I'm so freaking over high school.

I'm ready to go out on my own and make my own decisions. I'm ready to move on to whatever lies beyond this.

But most of it is the people.

I can't count how many times a day I think to myself  "You're a sophomore/junior/senior. Act like it." And most of it is just stupid things. I'm over the Facebook fights. I'm over the petty little statuses by people who get Facebook muscles, I'm over the "he said, she said" b.s.

But I digress.

Elana will be glad to hear this, but I'm starting to have more faith in the Christian religion. I find myself praying a lot more than I used to.

My "New School Year Resolution" is pretty much that I just want to better myself as a person. I want to figure out where I stand on things, and how to stand on my own. I want to get a better understanding of who I am and where I belong in this world.

Heaven Will Be Like This, But Without The Nausea.

August 1, 2011. 11:25pm

I just got back from a chocolate buffet.

Oh.

My.

God.

That should be illegal. Just two buffet tables full of cakes, pastries, tarts, CHOCOLATE SUSHI…

And fondue. I love me some fondue.

I had a plate, double stacked with little tarts and éclairs and pretty much life…

Mistake.

Elana and I were discussing the amount of calories that were on that table. Pretty much, more calories than I could ever consume in my life.

Holy cow am I full.

I can’t tell if that was the best or worst experience of my life. I’m seriously considering blowing chunks just so that I won’t feel like an obese, chocolate filled, pregnant manatee. Like, I can’t even think about chocolate right now. I’ll explode.

I.

Will.

Explode.

On a un-chocolate related note, tomorrow is our last day before we leave to go home. I’m sad that I won’t have 8,000 pounds of food at each meal every day, but I’m missing my boyfriend. I haven’t talked to him in almost a week. Great Caesar’s ghost, I miss my own bathroom and not this yellow tile with the texture of nastiness.

I’m gonna go into a food coma.

Postcards From A Planecrash

So, on August 6, Elana, her father, and I left for a 12 hour car ride to Hilton Head, SC. What joys.

First day, I got raped by jellyfish.

Anyway, by the end of the vacation, I was going to kill her dad. I just couldn’t handle him anymore.

But, the major thing I will always remember from this trip is the way home:

I had just woken up and was still a little groggy, so I was kind of just laying there half asleep.

Then Elana and her dad start geeking.

“She just flew out of the car!”

“Oh my God!”

I sit up just in time to see a blue Kia flip twice into the median.

Her dad pulls over to the side of the road, Elana is crying. I have no idea what just happened.

I just keep picturing someone flying out of the car.

And it’s making me sick. I almost threw up.

Watching the scene, the Kia is upright, there was only one person in the car.

And she’s standing there beside it.

As it turned out, she had a scratch on her head (And maybe a concussion) and a scratched arm.

For her car flipping five times, you can’t get much luckier.

I started crying after we drove away.

For anyone who hasn’t witnessed a car accident, it’s not like watching one in a movie, or on TV.

This isn’t a character in a movie.

This is a real person.

With a family.

And a life. 

That girl could have died.

 She didn’t plan on flipping her car.

 It just happened.

She could have died.

It got me thinking, you don’t know how much time you have left. You can’t predict what’s going to happen in the next hour. Or minute. Or second.

You really have to live life to the fullest. 

Goodbye, Pennsylvania...

So, I finally got around to packing.
It's 2:22 am.
We leave in 38 minutes.
/Ohshi-
I just thought you'd like to know.
I spent the whole day with Jake. We watched a Haunting in Connecticut.
LOLJK WE MADE OUT THE WHOLE TIME.
Tonight, Elana, Zach, Jake, and I got together one last time before Elana and I leave for a two week vacation.
I made nuggers. (actually, Elana made them for me. I just ate them. :3)
Then we went to the Giant to get a movie from Redbox. I took the nuggers with me. Elana was embarrassed.
Then we came home and sat on the car for 15 minutes.
We drove 25 minutes to Carlisle to get something for Elana, while I napped on the lap of Jacob.
Disney showtunes were played. Beauty and the Beast came on, Elana, Zach and I decided to sing along and reminisce on last years musical.
When we got home, we watched the Redbox movie for like 15 minutes, decided it was stupid, then watched Angry Beavers and Catdog until it was midnight, time for the boys to depart.
I cried like a little pansy all over Jake like he was going of to NAM or something, while he kept telling me "I'll be here when you get back, I promise" which just made things worse. After 1233472934 hugs and such, we stood outside and waved goodbye to them.
Zach played the music from Titanic.
Elana and I ran after the car.
We talked until 1:30, got on Facebook, and now here I am.
2:44.
Jesus.

The One You're Leavin' Now.

So, this is more a blog for the sake of posting a blog.

My day sucked.

I'm going to watch Big Bang Theory for 8 hours.

Bye.

Afowef

wdfafwefw

I Just Made Out With Bert McCracken

In my dreams. Believe me, if that was the case, would I really be sitting here at 12:09… oops. 12:10 AM at my drafting table writing in this notebook for a blog that no one reads? Would I be spewing this brain vomit (Thanks Elana) all over this water soaked notebook with the outline of the black Sharpie mustache on the page? No. My brain would be imploding (Getting all over Bert and probably ruining any chances of us lip-locking again.) with  “what the sweet baby chipmunks is going on in my life?”

                My mind is on chipmunks right now because I look like one. Well… Not usually, but for anyone who has had to make that trip to the oral surgeon and get teeth ripped out of their face, you know what I’m talking about. If you also have been allergic to the pain meds they give you (making you spew ACTUAL vomit everywhere), and had a stomach virus all in the same weekend, I feel for you, for this also happened to me. If insomnia is also on your list of ailments, email me and we can complain and be best internet buddies.

                You can probably see that I have writing A.D.D. This is why I would have failed AP English. That class was dropped as soon as I saw the summer work. Well, in my head at least. I waited another 2 weeks to actually drop the class. I’m lazy.

                I’m really going  to regret writing this (Oh, I did.) instead of just getting my booty up and getting my laptop with is like 5 feet away currently serenading me with Mighty Boosh soundtrack. Also, now that I took the time to write this second blog, I will be expected even more by the imaginary readers to write more. Stupid blogs. Now I’ll feel inclined to spend my sleepless evenings writing about things that no one cares about instead of coloring a picture of Hello Kitty or reading that stupid Twilight fan fictions I downloaded onto my Kindle for shiggles and got addicted to. Instead of crossing things off the ever growing to do list or doing something productive, I’ll be feeding you all of the things my brain regurgitates at 12:30AM. So, thanks.

                I really should get back to that cleaning…

I’m The New Log Rolling Champion.

Or I would have been if I wouldn’t have been too young to partake. Lumber festivals are not fun. Having a kid who runs the nacho stand and looks like a creeper from your hometown blatantly turn around and stare at you as you walk away to go get money to buy a drink or a soy candle or something un-lumber related is also not fun.

On the plus side, I got a chili cheese dog out of it…

And the satisfaction of knowing that I’m still hot stuff even if I’m sweating my non-existent testicals off.

On another note, On Demand (Or Xfinity) has all the old Cartoon Network shows all the 90s kids know and love. Like FOSTER’S HOME FOR IMAGINARY FRIENDS. I love this show. Currently, “Frankie My Dear” episode is entertaining me from this TV at my grandparents so that I’m not home if I like… die or pass out or something when I’m home alone. I don’t laugh at the poor kid for having a crush on an older woman. I had the biggest crush on that kid from Even Stevens (Not Shia, the other kid with the shaggy blonde hair.) Like, a kissing the TV crush. Yeah, I was a weird kid and it hasn’t gotten any better. Shia was hot for a while. Like in Disturbia? Oh mah gawd.

But I digress, shows these days suck. SUCK. S-U-C-K. Adventure time? STUPID. Bring back Courage the Cowardly Dog and Invader Zim. Scare the pants off us with the “Return the Slab” episode and let us all fall in love with Gir again because he’s just so gosh darn cute. What is this Victorious and Hannah Montana garbage? Seriously, Miley Cyrus is a two cent gutter slut and Victorious just sounds stupid. Just stupid.

Anywho, I’m off to play Minecraft and watch more wonderful TV.